I feel I should do something about it

Ever think to yourself “why didn’t I think of that?” when you hear a life changing story? I know I have. I know recently at the Pursuit we had GiveBag.org there about giving a bag already prepared to a homeless person. I thought how cool this was because I’ve seen so many homeless people (especially in California) and I never had money or anything in the car to give them. I’ve tried to rush in the store, buy some food and rush out and I can say half the time they are already gone. One time I gave a man my candy bar cause It was all I had and I wished I could have done more. I can’t afford to fill bags or give money but I know I can do something to help others like the Lord has commanded us to do; but what?

I’ve dedicated my time to the church in helping others and yet I feel I should be doing more. I donate items to the shelters and Goodwills but yet I feel I should be doing more. What is God trying to tell me? Clearly I have the heart but what is it I am suppose to do?

Recently I heard on Air1 that they are helping the children over in the Middle East and are knitting little hats for the newborns. They are calling it “Cure” and I thought to myself that I could help out; but then I realized I don’t know how to knit or can’t crochet because my shoulder is so damaged I can’t use it for a long period of time (I really do miss playing video games!). Then I thought I could donate to them Madie’s old hats that was either knitted for her or I got ones that no longer fit; but is that really enough? Yea it can help I’m sure but I still feel this void that I can do more — I just don’t know what.

I pray to God today to find me my strengths and to show me what my void is. I love to do photography. I love to Video Edit. I love to play with computers and create stuff. I’m a tech girl and Proud of it; but can I help someone else with these talents? I don’t think so but than again I am not sure.

• Maybe I can create my own “Operation Christmas Child”?
• Maybe I can help in the Food Pantry at church since I know what it’s like to not be able to buy things?
• Maybe I can donate my time at a school?

I have ideas but yet I dunno if that’s what I’m called to do. I may be over thinking it and causing myself to get confused and not being able to listen to God correctly. I want to help. I want to do good. I want to teach Madie what we are suppose to do in Jesus’ name. Now If I can only listen!

- J

 

At least…

This may be my last post before the new year and I’m gonna end it with an important message!

One week ago my Step-Dad’s mom (Grandma Aust is what I called her) passed away suddenly. We knew she was sick and we knew she was developing dementia but last time I talked to her in March where she sounded fine and no problems to suddenly her body just gave up and passed away in December was something we did not expect. Now, many of you know of my guilt that I carry since my other Grandma, my mother’s mom, passed away just 6 weeks after Madie was born. Yes, my grandma had severe dementia and yes, Madie was only 6 weeks old; but to know that my Grandma didn’t get to meet Madie and acknowledge her as her great-granddaughter, even if it was for 5 minutes, and we did not get to photograph the moment — it kills me inside. Now when we moved to Idaho, Madie got to meet Grandma Aust for the first time and in May 2010 we got this photo (picture on the left). Madie most likely doesn’t remember this moment and at this time Grandma Aust was beginning to have some form of dementia, but like I wanted for my other Grandma, I wanted to be able to capture the moment and show Madie as she gets older about her Great-Grandmothers; about how she got to meet Grandma Aust and how much she adored her. It seems so small and not as important but in a lot of ways it is. That is why photography is so important to me because you’re capturing a moment in time; being able to remember and express stories through those photos. Now we have a lot of strife in my family and we did not get to say goodbye to Grandma Aust, nor did we get to see her for the last 10 months, but we have at least this and this is what everyone has to remember and remember what is important.

To read my story about my other Grandma, read here.

Happy New Year!

- J

 

No idea!

It hasn’t been easy lately since I’ve been going through frustration mode the last few weeks. Knowing Madie is gonna be in California over Christmas took a big toll on me and it’s not that it’s a bad thing for her to see her family; especially one who is gravely ill, but it’s the principal that I will not have my daughter on Christmas Day. Also dealing with a long distance relationship and having my job pushed back because of permits doesn’t help.

One thing I wanted to get going while I have all this time to kill is my photography. Everyone knows that I have been wanting to become a photographer and do what I love to do, but because I moved to Idaho I lost all my chances to try and help gain exposure and experience. I had a pity party one day about how sad and frustrated I was about my photography “business” wasn’t going well and I had a couple of people tell me the same advice. THROW A CONTEST! A whoever get’s so and so referrals will get a free session… or a half off session… or something. I was greatly excited and thought it was an awesome idea, but here’s the problem; I have NO idea what kind of contest to throw.

I’ve had some ideas in my head but than I wasn’t sure it would work. Than I would have other ideas but that is because I saw someone else do it and I don’t want to be copying other people’s ideas. The mind is a very cruel game that loves to play tricks and when I think I have something in the bag, I remembered because so so told me about it. Just my luck.

I think my biggest worry is if I should do a FREE session or a HALF OFF session. I have started to charge people and I am charging very low because I am new to this but I think I’m asking for a good reasonable offer (to me at least) so I am not sure which one would be best. I always knew starting a business of photography wasn’t going to be easy and there is a lot of legal aspects around it, but I’m hoping to get my head into the game and figure this out. Holidays are here and this would be the best time to help me and help others at the same time.

Thank you for listening to my rant

- J

 

True words spoken…

A lot of you know of the struggles I go through as a Christian. I have posted it here on my blog or have vented a lot on Twitter or Facebook. Many of you know the struggles I go through as a Christian and being friends with Gays. Some accept it, some don’t. I think they believe I am pretending to like them but in truth, I love them all.

Today I came upon a post about being a Christian. It was almost like if these words were coming out of my own mouth. The feelings I have always felt and wished to express but never seemed to be able too. Now I get to share it all with you and show you all how I truly feel deep down. I even wrote a comment on this post. Please take a moment and read this amazing post and the comment I posted on there. Thank you Dan for writing such a great post!

I am a Christian, a follow of Jesus Christ and I also love twitter. Sounds weird? Well lots of my followers/friends on twitter are Gay. I have never been quiet about my believes but I also have never been disrespectful to any of my followers who are gay. I joke with them. I talk to them. I show them love and respect. Unfortunately some of them don’t show it back. They tell me I am a homophobic. They say I hate them. They put me down because I am a Christian even though I was never rude or put them down for who they are. It hurts but I try to ignore or tell them I do not hate them. Whether they believe me or not is their choice but I will always love them no matter what and talk to them when they need it. My cousin is Gay. I love her dearly. Unfortunately she married a woman who is keeping her away from her family because we are Christians. It saddens me but I will always be there for them when they need it even though they are not showing that same love back. It’s not about loving to receive it. Its about loving no matter what the consequences. Jesus paid the ultimate price for all of us and we need to show that same kind of love.

Read Post: I’m Christian, unless you’re gay

- J

 

The End in the Beginning!

Today is the day! My 40 days of fasting and prayer is over and over 600 of us at The Pursuit are either thanking God it’s over or not realizing it’s over; like me. I woke up this morning, did my apply, fed Madie and turned on Bones. Not once did I want to go on twitter, go on the computer or anything. I spent a moment with God before anything; I feel I have accomplished something. This is why its the End in the Beginning! End of my past, beginning of a new me!

Even though I am able to go on twitter (which i hear I’m very missed over there) and I can go eat at fast food or sweets again; I just don’t have the urge to do it. Now I know once I start Satan will be all over me and tempting me to have it more than I need it but knowing I can trust in God in the littlest things I know I can do anything.

This was a very humbling experience and I say everyone needs to try it. It brings me closer to my family, it brought me closer to God and to my church and I also reconnected with friends from my past that I spend more time with now without having distractions.

Thank you to my church for letting us go through this experience and I can’t wait for today; Ignition Sunday! Where we can help out more people in need and do what we can in the name of the Lord!

I may go tweet now just so I don’t get in trouble from my friends

- J

 

Bundle Up Boise!

Today was Bundle Up Boise! An event my church does every year to help those in need and to help them keep warm during these very cold winters. This was my first time at the event and I had the privilege to help photograph the event with other photographers from the church. Within one hour, about 80% of coats, clothes, shoes and accessories were gone. It was amazing! Sad part though? Anyone who came after didn’t get much. It was very hard to see because we wanted to help everyone and we just didn’t have the means to do so.

By the end of the event, over 1300 coats and over 1000 hats were given to those in need! Even volunteers were giving their coats off their backs and giving them to others who did not make it in time. It really was a humbling and amazing experience! Here are a couple of photos I took today… God is SO GOOD!

 

Ten more days…

Only ten more days? WOW, time does fly! I can’t believe our fasting and prayer is almost over and yet I am not sure if I am the same person I am now than when I first started this. I still see I need improvement, but I didn’t think the 40 days were magic and I would fix all the issues I had; so that isn’t much of a surprise. I do note that I still struggle with certain temptations and yet others I feel I may not use as much as I did before; like twitter. I don’t think about wanting to tweet someone or go out and post about what is going on in my life. Yes, I have used facebook more but not as much as someone may think. To me facebook is a bit boring and I don’t get much done over there but I do love to connect with a lot of family and friends and so its good to have.

One thing that does not end? Is pointless drama. I fear for those who read this and put me down because it seems they do not understand the bigger picture in all of this. Yes, I may kid and say they have nothing better to do with their time, but I worry about them because it just shows they are more worried about petty things that has no meaning than focusing on stuff that does. Putting others down for what they believe in doesn’t make the situation better and doesn’t make them look better either. It just shows how much evil is in this world and like I heard recently, I worry that I’m little more than a band-aid to help those who need it; but you can’t help those who don’t want it and you can’t help those who don’t know they need it. I must leave it to the Lord because in the end, its all his will, not ours. What we want is not important, its following what the Lord wants is whats the point in everything.

As I go through the last ten days, I will continue to fight against my temptations, work better on putting God as my focus in my life and that I can be a better person and mother for it. Also follow my heart and not my head. Its a tough thing to do but being a follower of God is not suppose to be easy, it’s suppose to be amazing and all worth it in the end.

I pray for my loved ones. I love pray for those who hate me. I pray for those who need the Lord. I pray the Lord’s will be done in all of our lives and I pray the Lord uses me in his plan. God is always good, even if we don’t see it yet.

- J

 

I’m a Survivor – Day 18

I know a few that have the “Oh woah is me” complex; where they just accept defeat and talk about how horrible their life is or was. I use to be that person myself and I can say now, I am not proud of it. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I know, most of America is made of dysfunctional families and we are just part of the majority, but each family handles each situation different. I come from a family where my grandparents immigrated from Mexico to start a new life in America. My grandfather became a citizen and worked hard for his family. My grandmother was a hard worker herself, cooking, cleaning and raising four kids. They taught us a lot but of course with all families, there were secrets. Secrets that can destroy a family or have them grow closer; we had both. As I grew up, I was the youngest. I had one step-sister who was 15 years older than me, than a half-brother 8 years older and a half-sister 5 years older; Basically I was an only child. Not because my siblings didn’t love me but they were so much older, who wants to play with their baby sister? (Though my brother showed me Video Games. God Bless his heart!)

I admit, I was very spoiled by my step-dad because my dad was not around. Don’t get me wrong, he visited from time to time but It was a very confusing relationship for me growing up because I just didn’t understand why; I didn’t feel loved. Being spoiled wasn’t a good thing though. I got away with a lot and growing into an adult I had to learn that you never always get what you want. Plus having a sick mom, I never knew what it was like to have a Mrs. Clever type of mom. She tried, especially before she got sick. The first ten years of my life showed us going to Disneyland, baking Christmas cookies and hanging out with other mothers and their kids. After that, I became the role of making sure things were cleaned, cooked or anything that just needed to be done. I can say I was not very good at it. It’s hard enough to get a kid to do their chores; try a kid helping or doing more than normal. Not much got done at times but I did do a lot. Even helped raise my baby cousin when my Aunt needed to live with us. So picture a 12-year-old doing home-school on her own, taking care of a 2-year-old, cooking for my family and cleaning; Day in and Day out. I didn’t have many friends…

Where am I going with this? Well like I said earlier, I was those “woah is me” type of people. Felt sorry for myself but never doing anything about it and blaming others for my life. After suffering a horrible break up from my first boyfriend, denying a relationship with someone who I cared about deeply and then marrying a man I didn’t know all to well just to end up in divorce, I find myself now 26, a single mother, no job and still living with my parents. Pathetic loser? Some may think so… but from what I’ve learned over the last few years is that even when I make bad choices in my life, I have the opportunity to fix it and learn from my mistakes. I wasn’t the most brightest girl growing up; at one point my mom actually thought I had a mental issue because I couldn’t understand certain things and I was very naive and immature. I’m still that way, but I know how to handle it a little bit better and as time goes on, I’m learning more everyday. I at least am trying to give myself and my daughter the best life I can give. The life the Lord knows what’s best for me.

I’m a survivor in a different way. I wasn’t molested as a child, shot, been in a domestic violence relationship or suffered in a war. I survived growing up, learning from a life that was given to me and being a better person for it. I don’t blame Kyle because he cheated on me, It’s my fault I dated him and stayed with him. I don’t regret marrying Brett because it was my choice to marry him and we got one heck of an amazing daughter out of it; and at this moment I don’t blame Chris for his actions because I hurt him as well. I’m human. I will make mistakes, but I will work and try to make it better. Now that I am going through a time where I want to create a closer relationship with God, I need to let go of the past and look to the future. Do what the Lord has always wanted me to do. Listen to him and follow his word.

I finish Day 18 on Fasting and Prayer with this in mind… I am a Survivor…

- J

 

Day 10 of Prayer and Fasting

Today is Day 10 of my fasting and prayer and all I can say is; WOW. It’s been a humbling experience so far. I have done stuff on the computer like make a video, Facebook and chat with some friends, but I notice myself not on as much anymore. I spend more time with Madie and I even hanged out with one of my friends from church. It’s amazing how much time I was wasting on twitter and such. I’m glad not only am I growing closer to God, but I’m growing as a better person and knowing I was missing out.

This prayer and fasting has also put some prespective in my life about where it should be going. I got a job and soon I will start working again, I’m growing closer to certain people and I’m looking towards the future and seeing what is best for Madie and I. I can honestly say this is the best experience I have ever been through.

As I said in my post before, I am learning things in the bible that I either did not know or did not understand. For example, Nicodemus! Yes, I have heard of him and I did learn a bit about him growing up, but I never understood his exact role in the bible. I knew they made lots of History Channel specials about him but I never saw them so I never knew what it meant. After group on Wednesday, I learned he started off as a Fan of Jesus. Not wanting to expose his love for Christ but felt he was doing ok because he believed. Later on it shows that he stepped out of the darkness and exposed his love for Jesus when he was about to be crucified. I did not know that but it shows how I act like a fan but not a follower. I am learning that being a follower and having an intimate relationship with God is what he wants and what is important. I can be the nicest person, I can obey the law, I can even donate my time on certain things; but If I do not follow Jesus in the way he wants, than it is pointless. I need to act more like a follower and less like a fan. I need to express my love for him more. Talk about him more. I’m actually getting rather excited

I’m also learning to let go of what I want and leaving it to the Lord and on what he knows what I need. It’s his will, not mine and I must learn to let go and trust in him. That has not be easy, especially on certain situations, but I know the Lord has taken care of me and I have no reason to doubt him now…

That is all I have for now! Thanks for reading and Hope everyone is doing well!

- J

 

Having some fun… with a new video!

As I go through the fasting and prayer to bring myself closer to God, I realize I don’t use my computer as much. When I was on twitter, I chatted up a storm with different people and made fan videos for Days of our Lives. Maybe a bit too much (i confess )

Now since I am not on that much and not tweeting, I don’t make videos that much and spend more time in reality. Now the last video I made was on Sep. 21st and I have a few videos just waiting to be made but I just don’t have the interest right now. Which is good but since I don’t get much time to myself and after I pray and read the bible, I find myself on the computer for about an hour or so; and because of that, I was able to make a new video, short but fun and I posted it yesterday. Of course it wasn’t about my favorite characters on Days, its about the ones I least like. Again, I was having fun! (I would do Bones videos if I had the clips. Making fan vids is just a fun hobby )

Now recently I was told that I bash actors and show hatred even though I am trying to form a closer relationship with God, even (sorta) putting down my church. I laughed a bit because even when Im not on twitter, the hate still comes and this person had to stalk on Facebook and see what I wrote on a fan page; and know my twitter name to know my personal blog… stalk much? (Just saying lol)

But to answer that young woman’s (or man or whoever) question, I think they got confused. Yes my mom and I were making fun of the characters and yet you said Actor; a specific one at that, so it seems you don’t know the difference from reality and fiction. This is why I do not watch Days of our Lives anymore; some people just take it way too far and don’t see having fun as a good thing. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, I respect yours, so please respect mine. If you have nothing nice or positive to say, than you will never see your comments here on my blog.

I do admit though that your comment is one of the nicest I have seen from my stalkers, so thank you!

Now, back to my story… I wanted to post the video I have finished and again, I probably won’t have another video out soon but I’ll dabble when I feel like it. I’m enjoying and learning about God and the relationship he wants us to have. I’m even learning stories that I heard about as a kid but didn’t quite understand and now I do. I will post more about my journey in the fasting and prayer in a couple of days!

Enjoy the video, have fun and don’t let stupid little things get in the way of your life. Life is too short and we shouldn’t lose focus on what really matters.

This one is for you Debbie! lol (My only nice BOPE fan)

- J